2025 was the year i set out to fix my sleep. it sounds basic, but it’s foundational for health and i had been putting it on the back burner for too long. whether it was due to postpartum / being in the thick of navigating sleep with a newborn, or, once that became more regular, staying up wayyy too late for the sake of “me time” (to my own detriment the next day) my sleep had been suffering, and with that, my overall wellbeing. so much of circadian alignment actually starts in the day, so while i still take plenty of me time in the evenings post-bedtime, my sleep drastically improves when i’m consistently prioritizing these habits ~ and my ring scores back it up.

these are the things i’ve added in (or eliminated) to help align my circadian rhythm for more optimized + higher quality sleep. let’s dive in 🌝

1. sunlight first thing in the morning ~ yes, even if it’s cloudy out! and yes, even if it’s cold out! ideally, finley and i love to step outside to get some fresh air but even on chilly days we will simply stand at the back door to get that morning light in our eyes and set our circadian rhythm up for the day.

2. cut off caffeine at a reasonable time ~ i loveeee a late afternoon matcha, but it was really interfering with my sleep quality. this feels like a no brainer, but it took tracking my caffeine intake on my ring app and seeing the evidence for how slow it is to clear the system to convince me to move it earlier.

3. earlier dinner ~ along the same lines, eating dinner too late can impact sleep and recovery by keeping your body in an active metabolic state. this is still one of my harder to kick habits, but i always notice my heart rate takes longer to stabilize and drop when i eat dinner too close to bed time.

4. take sunset strolls ~ or simply spend some time outdoors right around sunset. getting that golden hour of light in your eyes can support circadian rhythm (just like it does in the morning!) + can help signal to the brain that it’s time to boost melatonin production.

5. turn the house into to “chill mode” ~ also starting around sunset, i begin to shift the house into a calm and cozy + circadian rhythm supportive atmosphere. this looks like turning off all the big lights and opting instead for cozy warm toned lamps and candles, turning on some calming music, tiding + resetting. this just sets the whole vibe up for a more restful evening for us all.

6. an hour or so before bed ~ is a great time for a gentle shift to an even more sleep supportive space, i call it “night mode”. i keep a few of these color changing bulbs in lamps and switch them over to red. note: red tinted bulbs are not the same thing as red light therapy, but they do support circadian rhythm by minimizing blue light that is present in regular white lighting. i also turn a red color filter on my phone (more on this below) and try my best to limit screens in general (though, i do love winding down with a good tv show binge. you win some you lose some)

7. magnesium glycinate ~ around this time i take my magnesium glycinate (or make a magnesium drink if i’m wanting something a little more fun) to support sleep + so many more of the body’s systems.

8. a sleepy drink ~ when i need a little extra support, i love a sleepy drink like this pregnancy safe sleep support, a magnesium blend (skip the capsules if opting for a drink version) or a cozy cup chamomile. sometimes a sleepy girl mocktail is on the menu when i’m feeling fancy (tart red cherry juice + magnesium powder + ginger beer)

9. red light therapy ~ once i’m actually in bed, i reach for my lumebox for a near infrared light session on the back of my neck. half the time i end up falling asleep before the session even ends because it’s so cozy and works so fast!

10. if my mind is still wandering ~ i have a few go-to sleep meditations for when my mind just won’t shut off. i personally love the how, open, or there are some free options on youtube 🫶

a few sleep supportive products ~

• weighted sleep mask ~ this had been on my radar for some time and i finally got around to buying one on a recent trip and let me tell you… it’s worth it! the gentle weight is sooo relaxing + it completely blocks out any light unlike most sleep masks

• mouth tape ~ i don’t do this all the time but i do love having it on hand for nights i need a little extra support or feel like i’ve been struggling to stay asleep well. i just use a piece of silicone scar tape because it’s gentle on the skin, lasts forever, and is under $10

• magnesium lotion, spray, or bath flakes ~ magnesium is a theme here, if you can’t tell. a warm magnesium bath before bed, or just applying some magnesium lotion or spray can be soo soothing, since is is is absorbed well through the skin. i especially prioritize this in pregnancy to keep leg cramps at bay.

how to turn red mode on your iPhone ~

I use this feature every night to minimize the blue light coming from my phone screen, it was also soo helpful in the early baby days when i needed to stay awake while nursing a sleepy baby without disrupting their circadian rhythm (or mine!). Here is how to turn it on:

1. Settings > Accessibility > Display & Text Size > Color filters

2. Or search “color filters” in the settings menu

3. Toggle “Color Filters” on > Select “Color Tint”

4. Tap the red colored pencil (far left)

5. I slide the intensity down to about 75%, the intense red strains my eyes

6. Exit & swipe down for the control menu, hold down on an empty area to enter edit mode

7. Click “add control”

8. Search “Color Filters” and select it to add it to your control center

9. Now you can easily toggle red mode off & on by swiping down and tapping this button in your control center!

tap for everything mentioned

P.S. some housekeeping.. i’ve recently moved the blog / newsletter over from the “graham collective” platform to substack! this means you can access this post + all previous & future posts on the substack app, in your web browser, or continue receiving them right here in your inbox 💌 i’m so grateful to have you here!

- in health, makaela 🫶

i usually journal these ideas out or just jot them down in my notes app, but this year i actually went for it and made a vision board on pinterest, which i’ve been wanting (yet neglecting) to do for years. i love the idea of having a visual representation of what i want life to actually look/feel throughout the year vs just having a list of things like “workout every day, eat better”. i do have a few tangible goals for the year actually listed out, but these are mostly work and financial related. for the most part, i’m visualizing a few overarching feelings + taking small steps to move my life in that direction.

for example: one of my “resolutions”, or visualizations as i’m calling them, is to create more just for the sake of creating. a small step in that direction may look like utilizing my new brick to spend less time scrolling. this small habit feels less rigid and more attainable than saying “only spend 1 hour on social media per day”, it also allows for flexibility and may look different throughout the year as life evolves, while the overarching goal of creating more remains.

a few of my personal visualizations…

create more for the sake of creating

be more present in the day to day

find joy in movement and meditation again

foster deeper and more meaningful connection in friendship

let me know in the comments if this method resonates with you + if you have any resolutions, visualizations, or big goals for the year so i can be cheering you on 🫶

movement + meditation apps i’m loving —

this post actually started out with the intention of sharing some movement + meditation apps i’ve been loving lately, since it goes hand in hand with some of my new year intentions - but i got a little lost rambling about setting goals in winter vs spring. so alas… here they are:

1. open ~ i started the “back to life” program a few days ago (to honor my movement + meditation visualization) and have been lovingggg it. it’s a 21 day guided meditation program, and they have 30 days free right now - so plenty of time to finish the program for free!

2. the how ~ this will likely always be my favorite app for both movement and mediation. it’s full of guided meditations, affirmations that can be listened to passively, gentle yoga sessions, and more intense workouts.

3. yoga with adriene ~ free on youtube and usually offers a fun new year series + some more focused sessions i love to refer to when i need a little focused tlc for a certain area of the body

4. tara brach ~ free guided meditations on spotify

5. my fave playlist ~ not quite a meditation, but i love using this for finding moments of focus or stillness throughout the day

P.S. some housekeeping.. i’ve recently moved the blog / newsletter over from the “graham collective” platform to substack! this means you can access this post + all previous & future posts on the substack app (which I highly recommend!), in your web browser, or continue receiving them right here in your inbox 💌 i’m so grateful to have you here!

- in health, makaela 🫶

in my last post, i outlined some tips for keeping your immune system in tip top shape for sick season. today i’m sharing a roundup of alllll the more ~naturally leaning~ products i like to keep on hand for when sickness inevitably still hits + what i use depending on the symptoms. think of it like your guide to stocking a natural medicine cabinet! 🌿

ps, always consult your physician before incorporating any new supplements, especially if you are pregnant, nursing, or trying to conceive

Cold / Congestion:

1. Boiron Cold Calm - i take this at the first sign of a sniffle and it often cuts the cold duration and severity

2. Saline nasal mist - saline nasal mists can help lower the severity of a cold + help lower the spread. this one has aloe and is super soothing & can also be used for kids

3. Micro-mist saline inhaler - i originally bought this for finley when he had a cold as a baby and was having a hard time clearing his nose, but tried it for myself and it helped break up the congestion so well!

4. Neti pot nasal rinse - i start this if someone around me has been sick, and continue it if a cold settles in. it’s so helpful for clearing everyyyyything out!

5. Canopy humidifier - any humidifier is great to keep running while sick, i especially love this this one from canopy because it’s dishwasher safe which is sooo handy

6. Force of Nature - to disinfect any and everything

Star Anise Tea Decoction —

Star anise contains shikimic acid, which can be beneficial for cold/flu like symptoms. I prepare a large batch as a decoction and store in the fridge to sip on it for a few days.

How to:

• Add about 4 cups of water to a pot with 1-2 tsp or roots/herbs

• Bring to a light boil, then let the herbs simmer with the lid on for 20 minutes up to an hour or two

• Can be stored in fridge for 2-3 days

*Decoctions can be rebrewed 2-3 more times after the first brew because there is so much medicine in them. Cover them again with water and repeat process for an extra batch or two!

Sore throat:

1. LUMEBOX - NIR mode aimed directly at my throat at the first sign of a tickle can sometimes kick the sore throat before it even begins, and is definitely still soothing for the persistent ones.

2. Organic Olivia Soothe Your Throat Spray - as the name says, it’s sooo soothing for sore throats

3. Beekeepers Naturals - throat spray and lollipops

4. Throat coat tea with local or Manuka honey

5. Genexa acetaminophen when the other things aren’t cutting it.

Cough:

1. Organic Olivia Chest Comfort Syrup - my go to for coughs! i rotate between this one and the beekeeper’s.

2. Beekeepers Naturals cough syrup and lozenges

3. Honey - add to tea or just take a spoonful

Headache:

1. LUMEBOX - NIR mode on the base of my neck, temples, or forehead depending on where the headache feels most concentrated

2. Headache hat - just order this now and thank me later! you an also pop it in the fridge for a cooling effect

3. Magnesium - in drink form or supplement, look for glycinate

4. Turmeric tincture - you can also make a turmeric latte or add some to food but the tincture is a quick easy way to get a quick dose

5. Nodpod - weighted eye mask is every bit as incredible as they say. i use it all the time, but it’s especially nice when trying to rest during a headache

6. Try caffeine + salt. Lot’s of water!

Miscellaneous:

1. Allergies: Spring Defense Tonic

2. Scrapes & cuts: Active Skin Repair

3. Gas / Bloat: Hilma Gas + Bloat Relief

4. Flu like symptoms: Oscillococcinum

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   everything in my "medicine cabinet"

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Bonus: Detox bath recipe —

I loveee a detox bath when I’m feeling under the weather, add to hot hot bath water:

• Magnesium Flakes

• Bentonite Clay

• Baking Soda

Tap here for a roundup of my immune supporting tips & tricks

P.S. some housekeeping.. i’ve recently moved the blog / newsletter over from the “graham collective” platform to substack! this means you can access this post + all previous & future posts on the substack app, in your web browser, or continue receiving them right here in your inbox 💌 i’m so grateful to have you here!

- in health, makaela 🫶

so far in finley’s life, we’re 2 for 2 on spending the new year sick. maybe it’s all the social gatherings around the holidays, the change of routine, stress, excess sweets, whatever it may be… i’ll certainly be setting a reminder next december to revisit this post and get a head start on amping up the immune supportive practices ahead of the new year. i have been meaning to write this post up for a while now (and putting it off again and again) but pulling out allllll the sups over the last week has me inspired. so here is a roundup of my go to immune system boosting habits / supplements / tools / etc. enjoy ~

ps, always consult your physician before incorporating any new supplements, especially if you are pregnant, nursing, or trying to conceive

free medicine:

◠ sleep - focus on going to bed earlier, following the natural rhythms of the sun. practice good sleep hygiene ~ no blue light in the evenings, dark curtains, a relaxing environment

◠ sunlight - even when it’s cloudy, getting sunlight on your face first thing in the morning is sooo beneficial

◠ hand washing - obvious, but it’s time to really amp it up. avoid touching your face as much as possible

◠ immune boosting foods + herbs- incorporate foods like raw honey, ginger, turmeric, elderberry, echinacea, garlic, dark leafy greens, and brightly colored fruits & vegetables.

◠ minimize stress - this one is big. focus on your mindfulness practice, yoga, breath work, whatever calms the mind and body for you, make time for it!

1. Beef Liver capsules: iykyk, if you don’t, you probably think i’m crazy. but hear me out… there are sooo many good nutrients packed in beef liver! and thankfully it comes in capsule form for those of us who have no intentions of incorporating it into our diet otherwise.

2. Electrolytes: i love these from Needed, they are pregnancy + breastfeeding safe

3. Magnesium: every evening! i love this drinkable one from moon juice because it also contains l-theanine, which helps promote relaxation, or a magnesium glycinate in capsule form on nights i don’t do the drink.

4. Vitamin D: of course vitamin d direct from the sun is best, however most of us (myself included) are still deficient. vitamin d3 is the superior form you should be looking for, i like mine with k2. this one from needed is my favorite i’ve found.

5. Needed Immune Support: is pregnancy friendly, kid friendly, and contains elderberry, zinc, and clinically studied pre/postbiotics for immune support. it also tastes sooo good!

these are the things i start to incorporate when i know I need a little extra sickness support, for example after being around someone sniffly, after traveling a lot, when the weather is changing back and forth, and apparently around new years, since that seems to be our new thing as of late.

1. Detox Bath: a hot hot hot soak (or two, or three) in the bath with some epsom salt, bentonite clay, and baking soda.

2. Bee Propolis: specifically this spray for ease of use, but really anything from Beekeepers Naturals is really great for immune support. You can also sometimes find bee propolis at your local farmers market.

3. Red light therapy: as soon as i feel something coming on, i start using the near infrared light setting on my Lumebox over the area i feel it festering (throat, chest, etc.) it’s also so great for headaches or body aches

4. Elderberry: tried and true! I love this one from Organic Olivia

5. Source Naturals Wellness Formula: this supplement is packed with immune supportive herbs and a little bit of magic i think

6. Throat Coat: also contains a little bit of magic, i’m convinced. i’m normally a proponent of making my own herbal tea blends, but this one has so many good herbs in it and is one i’m always grabbing when i feel under the weather.

7. Bone broth: is one of the most healing and nourishing foods especially when feeling under the weather

8. Coconut water: natures gatorade

Bonus: especially when someone else in the household has already come down with something, we use Force of Nature, a nontoxic disinfectant, to disinfect everyyyything.

even with alllll of the immune supportive healthy habits, sickness is sometimes just inevitable. i always try to work with my body’s natural ability to heal, but sometimes you need a little extra support, especially as a parent when there is no such thing as a day off. these are my go to cleaner brands for when i’m looking for sickness support, of course, which product i grab will be dependent on the symptoms, but so far i’ve loved everything i’ve tried.

1. Homeopathics: oscillococcinum and cold calm from Boiron are two I always keep on hand, I also love their cold calm baby for fin.

2. Genexa: my go to for clean medicine with the same active ingredient as the traditional over the counter brands you already know, but without the unnecessary artificial additives. I keep the acetaminophen, severe cold & flu, plus a lot of their baby products stocked in my holistic medicine cabinet at all times!

everything in my "medicine cabinet"

Camilia Drops: These drops seem to be one of the most reliably helpful of all the holistic teething remedies. It helps sooth the irritated gums so baby can rest more comfortably.

Chamomile Pops: I make a small batch of chamomile tea to freeze in these feeders or to dip a soft cloth in and freeze, you can add a bit of honey (only if baby is over 1). Chamomile is a relaxing herb and is calming for the gums, the frozen aspect will help sooth the gums as well. I also freeze puree in the feeders as a soothing after dinner treat.

Tooth Oil: I love the one from Earthly or Wellements. Both contain clove, an anti-inflammatory with analgesic properties.

Cold teethers: Like these with a handle, be sure to keep them in the fridge, not freezer.

Extra snuggles: Teething time always calls for extra snuggles. It always helps me to manage my expectations and to know there may be a few extra wake ups at night and a few more canceled plans for snuggle time over the next few days.

Over the counters: If he’s having a real rough go of it, Genexa Acetaminophen is our go to since it’s made without artificial fillers or dyes.

some tips for building your dream birthing team:

i have always been drawn to the idea of an unmedicated birth, and ultimately landed on a birth center after weighing all of the options. it turned out to be the perfect choice for us (you can read my full birth story here) but even more so than the birthing location itself, it was the midwifery model of care that really sealed the deal for me. midwives tend to be more holistic leaning + have a very hands on approach throughout the entire pregnancy, as well as after. each of my appointments were with one of the two midwives at the center, and were one hour long (aside from a few towards the end that I actually opted to schedule for just 30 minutes, as i was genuinely out of questions) these longer appointments allowed for plenty of time to ask any and everything I could think of every step of the way, and for me to really get to know and trust my providers. this strong relationship made my birth experience so much more positive and stress free since I grew to trust the team and their recommendations. when it came time for birth, i really felt like we were on the same team and i knew that any decisions would be made with my wishes/fears/hopes and dreams all top of mind.

◠ how to find a provider - word of mouth is sooo helpful for finding your dream provider! ask around, read reviews, narrow it down to a few options and then be sure to schedule an interview and tour. ultimately, go with your gut! you want to have a good vibe with your provider, it’s critical for such an intimate vulnerable time.

◠ the cost - unfortunately, holistic leaning providers aren’t always covered by insurance. it does seem like some plans are catching up and starting to cover birth centers and home births, but not all. many providers will offer payment plans, but if the provider you love isn’t in network with your insurance plan, i would recommend calling your insurance company before beginning care to see if there is a way to get a preauthorization for the services, some people have had luck getting their care reimbursed or partially covered. be sure to keep detailed notes of any calls with insurance! this podcast had a lot of helpful info for pursuing home or birth center reimbursement.

◠ should you hire a doula - yes! I debated this for so long, part of the reason I went with midwifery care is the hands on nature of it, so i worried a doula wouldn’t really be a necessary expense… but I’m so grateful I went ahead and hired one! the midwife and birth assistant are really there to focus on the your stats and the baby. a doula is there to provide you and your partner with any extra support you may need. They’re like a third team member to help with everything from counter pressure to making sure the cup of water is always full. if the expense is a deterrent, see if your provider knows of any student doula’s who may be able to attend the birth at a reduced cost or even free to fulfill their certification requirements.

◠ lactation consultant - if you plan to breastfeed (or even pump) i highly recommend working with an IBCLC! this care is covered by all insurance plans - it’s required by law federally. i mention this as part of your pregnancy care team because they will meet with you once towards the end of pregnancy to help fit you for a pump and teach you about what to expect in the early days of breastfeeding your newborn. they will meet with you again shortly after the baby arrives and will continue to provide ongoing support for those early days. this care was so invaluable for our breastfeeding journey!

if you’re local, some of my favorite providers are linked at the bottom of this page

preparing for birth —

1. Take a natural birthing class with your partner: this is my number one recommendation regardless of whether you’re hoping to birth unmedicated, at home, at a birth center, or in a hospital. A class covering the end of pregnancy, labor, birth, and postpartum really helped us to feel so prepared and know what to expect, it was absolutely essential. Find a local class, many birth centers offer one even if you aren’t birthing there (I took the one offered at Breathe Birth & Wellness in Tulsa) or take Pregnancy, Birth, and Beyond course - a virtual option from Motherland Birth Co.

2. Preparing the mind: so much of labor and birth (and even pregnancy) is a mental climb. Meditation and mindfulness are proven to reduce stress and improve your experience throughout pregnancy and beyond. My favorite resource is the app Expectful - there are daily meditations that coordinate with where you are in pregnancy, helping you to connect with baby and yourself. There are also mindfulness “courses” to help prepare for and to use during labor, the hypnobirthing course was really helpful in providing the tools I needed mentally for labor. It’s a paid app, but it was so worth it.

3. Therapy: there are a lot of mental blocks that can come up during birth. I wish I had worked harder beforehand to work through some of the fears I had surrounding motherhood, I think this held me back at points during labor and something I will definitely dive deeper into for future births.

4. Physical prep: lots of walking and gentle yoga, cat cows alllll day every day to open up those hips and provide some much needed comfort for the back. Towards the end of pregnancy, my midwives told me to start doing the Miles Circuit daily to get baby into the most ideal position, it can even help to rotate baby into a more optimal position if they weren’t already. The “Spinning Babies Inversion” was another go to, it was such a good pelvic relief and can also help align baby optimally.

5. Red raspberry leaf tea infusion: with added nettle for extra nourishment, the recipe below explains how to brew an overnight infusion which extracts sooo many more nutrients than the typical tea brew. I also like Organic Olivia’s Natal Nurture tincture for a more concentrated option.

red raspberry leaf tea recipe —

Ingredients:

• Red raspberry leaf ~ i use this one

• Nettle ~ i use this one

• Optional: oat straw, alfalfa, red clover

How to:

◠ add a generous amount of herbs to large glass jar, I aim for around 1/4 to 1/3 full (I just eyeball it)

◠ bring filtered water to a boil and fill the jar of herbs fully, close carefully

◠ let herbs infuse on the counter for 8+ hours or overnight

◠ strain and store in the fridge for 2-3 days

my labor home screen:

This is one of the *over the top* things I did that I actually loved. I made a separate home screen on my phone that was exclusively for all things labor. I wanted it to be so simple to find any important information and utilize any resources. I had a contraction timer app downloaded and ready to go, the Expectful App (where I had downloaded a bunch of my favorite hypnobirthing meditations), and the best part… a widget that linked to a folder of labor related notes like:

• My birth preferences: just another place to have them easily accessible.

• Labor positions + reminders: where I had important notes about when to go in, ideas for positions, affirmations, etc.

• Playlists: I linked the various Spotify playlists I made for labor so they would be easier to find.

• Snack options: I brought so many snack options, I wasn’t sure what might sound good, and I knew I may not remember what all I had/want to go look through the bag - so I thought this might be handy to just look at the list so I could ask for what I wanted.

• You could also link any important phone #’s, and boundaries you want to send to guests if you’re having visitors, etc.

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  birth supplies + natural birth books

postpartum was one of the most vulnerable yet beautiful times of my life. i look back on it so fondly, even though it is one of the hardest things i’ve ever done. newborns are no joke. but through the hazey fog of newborn land, there is something so glowy and magical and cozy. if i could impart any wisdom to you, it would be to rest! rest rest rest. and then rest some more! let your partner nurture you, take time to nurture yourself. spend this time getting to know your new little one, and try your best to soak up each and every little detail, because it is truly so fleeting.

and on that note, remember in the hard moments that it is all temporary. when you’re in the trenches it feels never ending, but it will soon pass. also know, it’s okay to not love newbornhood. as much as i speak fondly of postpartum, i simultaneously kind of hated the newborn phase. it’s freaking hard! just know there is light (and sleep) at the end of the tunnel.

these are the items i used most postpartum for comfort + healing, i’ll do a separate post with some newborn tips + the things i *actually* used for baby

some tips for postpartum:

◠ prepare your room to be a cozy sanctuary - a lot of focus gets put on the nursery, but you’ll be spending a lot more time in your room. buy some fresh pillows and set up your side table with all the necessities to make it as cuddly cozy as possible for those newborn days

◠ pick a comfort book or show - same idea as above, you’ll be spending a lot of down time holding a nursing or sleeping babe. pick a cozy comfort show or book to enjoy (for me it was new girl!) and put a journal beside your bed or use your notes app to work through the emotions but also to capture the special moments.

◠ set a focus status on your phone - like ‘do not disturb’ but you can edit who’s texts/what app notifications can still come through. i did this the first week or two to protect my presence in each moment, and only let a select few important notifications come through.

◠ don’t stress about tummy time - or all of the other ‘must do’ things that may actually just feel overwhelming. just spend time with your new baby! let them lay on your chest and look at you (this actually counts as ‘“tummy time”!) instead of stressing about showing them high contrast books every single day, show them around the house, take them out in nature. there will be time later for all of the rest. for now, all they need is you.

◠ make a plan for visitors - decide on how you want to handle visitors with your partner and what boundaries are important to you both, and communicate those expectations beforehand. send out a reminder text before visitors come over with things like washing hands, how long they’re welcome to stay, etc. some may not have been around a newborn in a while and may have forgotten things that you think might seem obvious like hand washing, no kissing, etc.

◠ don’t be afraid to ask for what you need - your people want to be helpful during this time but may not know what would be the most beneficial.

◠ read “the first 40 days” - this was such a beautiful book about the importance of not rushing this sacred time. i encourage all new expecting mother’s to read it.

1. upside down peri bottle: you’ll see this on nearly every must have list, it’s soo much easier to use than the standard ones.

2. Cooling pad liners: I used these witch hazel infused liners from Frida Mom, I’ve also heard Tucks pads work similarly, but I found these were so easy to use - they look like an extra long wipe, so they were simple to place directly in the pad or diaper. They are sooo cooling and soothing, I used these anytime I wasn’t using a padsicle (more on those below)

3. Perineal foam: also from Frida Mom, a few pumps of this on top of the padsicle or liner for added cooling + healing benefits. I tried an herbal perineal spritz, but it just soaked into the pad or diaper instantly. The foam sits on top so it gets the cooling and soothing goodness in all the nooks and crannies.

4. Dermoplast: I mentioned this one on my ‘what to pack in your birth center bag’ post - it may not be the most clean option out there but it works woooooonders. Especially the first day or two, the numbing + cooling this provides is unmatched. Spray this directly on the coochie, otherwise it will just absorb into the pad or diaper.

5. Disposable period diapers: is the fancy name for it, but really it’s just adult diapers. I got these organic ones for the first few days postpartum when bleeding is heaviest. They kept everything in and just felt really secure. This brand runs small, I wish I had gotten the large.

6. Postpartum pads: I used these after the first few days, once the bleeding lightened up some. They are still heavier duty than your standard period pads, and they have leak proof sides that helped them feel more safe and secure. I just used these in my regular undies but wished I had gotten the Frida Mom mesh underwear. They would have been nice to have because I felt like my regular underwear were still a bit too compressive for me at this point. (note many hospitals have mesh underwear available to take home, my birth center just didn’t)

A few things I didn’t get/love:

• I skipped The Frida Mom instant ice packs, I read that these were bulky + a little spendy, so I skipped these in favor of making my own padsicles - recipe below

• Herbal perineal spray - while I usually love any and all things herbal, this just didn’t pack the cooling punch I needed postpartum

• Sitz bath / herbs - I did buy this and while I think it would have been helpful, I just didn’t have the energy to utilize it since it required a lot of prep and time to actually sit and do it

• Frida Mom makes a variety of bundles, but most included the ice packs or didn’t include something else I wanted, so I just bought each item separately and found it worked out better for me.

padcicle recipe —

Ingredients:

• Pads without wings: look for a long organic option, i grabbed these at a local health food store and they worked well

• Aloe vera: make sure it’s just the gel, no extra ingredients!

• Witch hazel: look for alcohol free and unscented

• Calendula extract (optional)

How to:

◠ add the witch hazel & 10-20 drops of calendula to a spray bottle

◠ open the pads and slather with aloe (it helps to use a spatula to spread it out) - use way more than you think. i went a little too conservative on this

◠ spray the pad with the witch hazel / calendula mix, soaking it well from top to bottom

◠ i left mine laying flat and put in a gallon size bag to freeze. make enough to use a few per day for the first 5+ days. i only made 14 and ran out, so luckily my mom made me some more <3

1. Postpartum Restorative Tonic: from Milk Moon Herbs is crafted with some of the most nourishing + nutrient dense herbs for postpartum. It is iron-building + contains restorative adaptogens. I took a few tablespoons in sparkling or still water daily postpartum.

2. Natal Nurture: this tincture is made with red raspberry leaf, an herb that’s incredible for all things pre & postpartum. It tones the uterus and aids in womb healing + restoration. I also drank a lot of red raspberry leaf tea postpartum, but having the tincture on hand to quickly get a concentrated dose of the herbs was so helpful. I still take this daily a year+ later.

3. Red light therapy: I had some back pain from labor and from hunching over while learning to breastfeed, using near infrared light therapy from Lumebox was so helpful. I also used it on my womb to promote healing.

4. Arnica Tablets: discuss it with you midwife, these were very helpful for soothing perineal pain.

5. Afterease: this tincture from Wishgarden is so amazing for soothing afterbirth pains, I used this immediately after birth and for the first few days postpartum and it was a must have.

6. Stool softener: start taking stool softener right away and don’t stop after the first poop! Everyone warns you about your first postpartum poo, but noooobody mentioned the second. I chose this option since it contains no artificial dyes.

7. Bone broth: is one of the most healing and nourishing foods you can consume postpartum. I prioritized having at least a cup a day.

8. Nourishing postpartum tea: I continued to drink red raspberry leaf tea along with some other healing herbs. The tincture mentioned above was certainly easier to prioritize postpartum, but it was good to have this nourishing infusion on hand as well, plus I was already in the habit of drinking this daily from pregnancy. I make a large batch as an overnight infusion, this extracts the max amount of minerals and vitamins to get as many nutrients as possible.

postpartum herbal tea recipe —

Ingredients:

• Red raspberry leaf

• Nettle

• Optional: oat straw, alfalfa, red clover

How to:

◠ add a generous amount of herbs to large glass jar, I aim for around 1/4 to 1/3 full (I just eyeball it)

◠ bring filtered water to a boil and fill the jar of herbs fully, close carefully

◠ let herbs infuse on the counter for 8+ hours or overnight

◠ strain and store in the fridge for 2-3 days

i’ll likely do a future post deep diving into our entire breastfeeding journey with everything I’ve learned a year+ in, but for now… these are the products/tips I found most useful for those early days. A few tips…

◠ Work with a lactation consultant: I can’t stress enough how helpful this was and it’s covered by insurance! It’s required by law for insurance to cover this service, look for the credentials IBCLC. They will meet you in their office or even come to your home a few days after birth to help you with latch, positioning, check for ties, etc. I’d also recommend taking a breastfeeding class if you can, there is one locally at Breathe Birth & Wellness that was so invaluable.

◠ Feed on demand: I’m a big believer in breastfeeding on demand. Realizing there is no magic breastfeeding schedule was so freeing. Let your baby tell you when they’re hungry, and let your body learn to respond naturally. The rule of “every 3 hours” is a myth, perhaps a decent average, but there will be days filled with cluster feeds that are much much closer together, and times your baby may sleep a longer stretch and go without a feed for longer than that. Unless there are low weight concerns, all of this is okay! Going with the flow, drop all pressure and expectation. Your baby and your body will work in such better harmony this way.

◠ Don’t stress about “milk coming in”: it’s a myth that your milk just doesn’t show up for a few days. The first few days is technically called colostrum, aka liquid gold! You are actually producing this long before baby arrives! Your babies tummy is the size of a marble at this point, and only needs this magical golden milk to thrive. Around day 3-5, the colostrum changes to a thinner, whiter milk. We often call this transformation “the milk coming in” but I hate this term… it implies there was nothing there before which just isn’t true.

◠ If something feels off, something is: outside of maybe the first few days, breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt. It shouldn’t make you want to cry, send you into a cold sweat, etc. There is some discomfort the first few days but that should be it. If you are experiencing pain please please please reach out to a lactation consultant or your provider and dig deeper. Also on this note… if you do get nipple damage from a poor latch, ask for APNO. It’s not ~ perfectly natural, crunchy, medicine free ~ but it might just save your breastfeeding journey. It’s a prescription medicated nipple ointment that can help you heal fast which might be necessary to continue breastfeeding.

◠ A few of my favorite breastfeeding accounts to follow for trustworthy advice: @karrie_locher, @bemybreastfriend, @holisticlactation, @teapotlactation

1. Silverettes: if you plan to breastfeed, these are a life saver. The silver naturally soothes and heals nipple damage that often occurs in those early breastfeeding days. I started using them right away and wore them nearly 24/7 when I wasn’t actively breastfeeding.

2. Nipple cream: I love this one from Motherlove, it’s organic + infused with soothing calendula and marshmallow root

3. Hydrogel pads: these are just another great tool to have on hand, especially if you’re having some trouble with pain/soreness from a poor latch like I was. I rotated these with the silverettes on days it was extra rough - these have more instant pain relief for moments I was really struggling, but the silverettes seemed to be more healing.

4. Manual Hand Pump: from Medela is a must have in my opinion. I began using it before birth to express colostrum, during postpartum if I had an issue latching and needed to relieve some engorgement, and even still use it now on occasion. You can add the same silicone flange inserts to this that you will need for your electric breast pump, more on these next.

5. Appropriately sized flange inserts: are essential if you plan to pump at all - which even if you exclusively breastfeed, you will likely still need to pump on occasion. Pumps only come in one or two sizes, so you will need to get silicone flange inserts to make the pump fit your nipple correctly. I highly recommend getting sized by a lactation consultant, but there are also kits on Amazon.

6. Sunflower Lecithin: speak to your provider/lactation consultant, but I felt like taking these preventatively helped keep clogged ducts at bay. I took them daily the first few weeks as my milk adjusted, and then occasionally as needed if I did something that I felt might cause a clog (went to long overnight without a feed, accidentally fed on the same side twice, etc)

7. Breastfeeding pillow: I got the Snuggle Me Organic brand and didn’t love it. Instead I would recommend getting a Boppy, these seemed to be wayyy comfier anytime I tried one.

Things I skipped in the early days:

• Pumping to build up a stash: I’d at least wait until your milk regulates if possible. Breastfeeding is a supply and demand system, pumping signals to the body that it should be making more milk and excessive pumping may lead to an oversupply. (pumping to give baby a little extra to meet weight goals under the guidance of the IBCLC is different)

• Haaka: hot take, I know. These are technically no different than a manual pump as it suctions and stimulates the breast, telling the body that it needs to produce more milk. Of course check with your IBCLC, but I opted for a milk collector instead to collect any leakage from letdown so that there was no extra stimulation that might lead to an oversupply.

• Lactation cookies/gummies/vitamins/tinctures/etc: There is little evidence that these work, and I wanted to regulate my supply as naturally as possible using babies cues. Staying hydrated + eating enough is a much better supply booster than most of these products.

• Bottles: we waited to introduce a bottle, but even if you’d like to introduce one sooner, I’d recommend waiting to buy a ton of bottles. Babies can be surprisingly picky and may only take to a certain brand. Sign up for the free registry gifts from Amazon, Walmart, Target, and Babylist - each of these came with either a Dr Browns or Philips Avent bottle. There is also a bottle bundle box you can purchase at Babylist that has a few other brands to try out before committing to buying a bunch of a specific brand! Same goes for paci’s.

1. Cozy pajamas: i lived in pajama sets for monthsssss postpartum. This pair from target was one of my faves in the early days thanks to the darker color.

2. Cozy robe: another must have. This one from Wildbird is the creme de la creme!

3. Nursing bras: I hated every traditional nursing bra I tried, these soft sports bra style ones from target are the only ones I ended up using. Be sure to size up 1-2 sizes, they run very small.

a final few must haves:

• Long phone chargers everywhere!

• Water cup with a straw. Partners - it’s your job to keep this full at all times including 4 am (especially 4 am)

• Hydration packets - I love these from Needed

• Snacks galore. I prepared a lot of meals, but you’ll be snackin. Load up on all of your favorites!

• I ordered this small waterproof dog blanket on Amazon to sit on for those first few days when the bleeding was most intense just in case. (I also slept on it the last few weeks just in case my water broke in the night) The thought of having to change sheets or deep clean the couch while in the trenches of postpartum sounded awful.

all my faves for pregnancy + postpartum

1. Two sets of your coziest bra or swim top to wear for labor/birth: be sure to bring two sets, especially if you think you may utilize either the birth tub or a shower for pain management during labor, as you may end up getting out and you’ll want something dry to change into. I wore this insanely soft bralette and also brought one of these seamless pullover nursing bras (these later became my favorite nursing bras - just be sure to size up). I also brought two pairs of comfortable undies, but found I didn’t need those.

2. A light robe: to wear during labor + after birth, those first few hours you will want to have easy access for the midwives to check things and for breastfeeding. I brought this one and wore it immediately after birth and then sooo much postpartum.

3. Something to wear home: I brought a comfortable but cutesy option and these pajamas (same cozy fabric as the robe) and just wore the pajamas home - I would definitely leave out the cutesy option next time, but maybe you will feel more up for a photo op than I did. I wore these pajamas soo much postpartum, size up for extra room for postpartum diapers and go for the dark colors. This is not the time for neutrals!

4. An extra set of comfortable clothes for your partner: in case they get messy or wet, or just want a fresh change of clothes at some point.

5. Extras: Soft socks with grippies, a headband, a hair tie, a hair clip, and a hair brush.

1. An outfit to go home in: I brought a few options because I wasn’t sure what size he would be, or how you’re supposed to dress a baby in the summer (it’s so confusing! will he get too hot walking out to the car? will he get too cold in the air conditioning on the way home? what if he’s giant?! what if he’s tiny?!) Turns out a newborn size bamboo footie pajama is just fine, and likely stretchy enough to fit a big or small baby.

2. A soft swaddle blanket: This one was our favorite

3. An oil based balm: People say to put Vaseline on their bottom to prevent meconium from sticking, but we opted for this balm from Motherlove instead and it did the trick. It’s still our go to for diaper rashes, and lasts forever!

4. A few diapers if you have a preference on brand, we just used what the birth center provided

5. Anything sentimental you want stamped with footprints: we brought Finley’s baby book (this is the one we have been using and it’s so sweet) and a tie for my dad, he had my sister and my baby footprints stamped on one when we were born, so I wanted to start a new grandkids tie.

1. Afterease: this tincture from Wishgarden is so amazing for soothing afterbirth pains, I used this immediately after birth and for the first few days postpartum and it was a must have.

2. Arnica Tablets: discuss it with you midwife, these were very helpful for soothing perineal pain.

3. Silverettes: if you plan to breastfeed, these are a life saver. The silver naturally soothes and heals nipple damage that often occurs in those early breastfeeding days. I started using them right away.

4. Nipple cream: I used the silverettes more, but this is nice to have on hand as well. I love this one from Motherlove.

5. Dermaplast: my birth center had everything I needed for perineal care after birth (peri bottle, diapers or pads, ice packs, etc.) but recommended to bring our own Dermoplast if wanted and this was very very soothing postpartum. Probably not the most nontoxic thing, but the relief it provides was unmatched.

1. Portable sound machine - my doula played ambient ocean sounds from her iPad the entire time, but this would have been more convenient, plus you’ll use it later for baby. The Hatch portable sound machine is so cute lasts extremely long between charges.

2. Hot pad or water bottle for pain management like this one.

3. Stroller fan like this one on the face for moments you feel hot or nauseous.

4. Water cup with straw and handle (this one is soo superior to Stanley)

5. Chapstick (this one from Nash & Jones will change your life)

6. Fine tooth comb - yes, a sturdy fine tooth comb. Squeezing this during labor can be a shockingly effective tool for pain management, I used it the entire time I was laboring at home and it was such a helpful tool.

7. Affirmation cards: I had my husband and family write some for me on index cards for encouragement

8. Snacks: be sure to include honey sticks, electrolyte packets (love these pregnancy friendly ones from Needed), and anything else you might like to snack on. I had a few refrigerated snacks I wanted to bring, so I just had those in a bag in the fridge so it would be easy to grab as we dashed out the door.

9. Comfort items: Speaker, diffuser, any other items you might want, for vibes - my birth center had all of these but in case yours doesn’t

Miscellanius:

• Car bag: I kept a sack in the car with a few things I might need for the ride over during labor - an old towel, a trash bag to sit on in case waters break, peppermint oil for nausea, and a few barf bags (ask your birth center if they can spare a few)

• Printed copy of birth preferences, if needed

• Insurance cards (in case of hospital transfer)

• Disposable camera, tripod, anything you might want for capturing memories

• Extra long phone charger

• AirPods or wireless headphones

• Car seat base installed (keep the carseat inside until go time)

• On that note, keep the car gassed

Pro tip:

Make a shared iCloud note for your partner with a checklist of any last minute items to grab - like snacks in the fridge, charger, fill up the water bottle, etc. Go time can be exciting and a rush, this way nothing gets forgotten + your partner isn’t bothering you with questions.

This is one of the *over the top* things I did that I actually loved. I made a separate home screen on my phone that was exclusively for all things labor. I wanted it to be so simple to find any important information and utilize any resources. I had a contraction timer app downloaded and ready to go, the Expectful App (where I had downloaded a bunch of my favorite hypnobirthing meditations), and the best part… a widget that linked to a folder of labor related notes like:

• My birth preferences: just another place to have them easily accessible.

• Labor positions + reminders: where I had important notes about when to go in, ideas for positions, affirmations, etc.

• Playlists: I linked the various Spotify playlists I made for labor so they would be easier to find.

• Snack options: I brought so many snack options, I wasn’t sure what might sound good, and I knew I may not remember what all I had/want to go look through the bag - so I thought this might be handy to just look at the list so I could ask for what I wanted.

• You could also link any important phone #’s, and boundaries you want to send to guests if you’re having visitors, etc.

all my pregnancy + postpartum faves

June 13 —

all of my pregnancy i thought that i would wake up one day and intuitively know that labor was near… but that was not the case. i woke up the morning of june 13th feeling like any other morning. i was having a slight twinge of cramps, similar to the sensation i would get a day or two before my period. it’s probably not even something i would have noticed had i not been on high alert for any signs or symptoms of labor, as i was 4 days passed my due date. i went about my morning as usual and didn’t think much of it, attributing the dull cramping to normal pregnancy aches. i was convinced he wouldn’t be coming until closer to, or after 41 weeks anyway since I still felt so normal, good even! i joked that i must have my due date wrong, and that i surely had a month still to go since i was feeling so comfortable for being 40+ weeks pregnant. i wasn’t feeling rushed or anxious for him to arrive. i felt very at peace and knew he would come when he was ready.

1:00 pm —

i had my weekly appointment with my midwife, regina, that afternoon. up until this point i hadn’t requested any cervical checks, but this time she suggested we do one to see how things were progressing since it was now technically passed my due date. i knew the cervix position has little indication about how close or how far labor is, but i still wanted to know where i was so i could implement some more ripening techniques if necessary. even knowing that the result didn’t mean much, i was still a little bit nervous that i might have 0 progress since, again, i felt so good! i really didn’t feel that labor might be near.

to our pleasant surprise, i was at 3 cm and 80 percent effaced! this sounded like great news, but i reminded myself (and a very excited dalton) that you can walk around at 3 cm for days, and that labor could still be a long long way off. she advised i continue doing alllll the things like bouncing on the birth ball, taking my evening primrose, and actually doing my miles circuits (that i’d honestly been neglecting before… don’t tell regina)

she also suggested i consider getting an “induction massage” with the massage therapist on staff at the birth center. i was hesitant about this... i think it was the word “induction” that scared me. i felt strongly that he would come when he felt ready, and i didn’t want to do anything to rush that - even if it was completely natural.

but on the other hand, we didn’t want things to go too far passed 41 weeks and risk having to transfer care to an OBGYN (a requirement in oklahoma at 42 weeks). unfortunately the massage therapist was going to be out of town for the next week, so it was now or never. she reassured me that the massage wouldn’t set anything into motion if my body and my baby weren’t ready, it would only help align the body and encourage optimal positioning which may get things going IF the baby and body were ready. so i nervously booked the appointment for the following day, her last time slot before she left town. would i be meeting my baby tomorrow?

after my appointment I went about my day, my parents came by around 4 with some groceries that i needed for dinner that night. they took some cute pictures of pippa snuggled up to my belly, i mentioned “i wonder if she will sense when i’m going into labor”.

looking back at those photos now, i think she knew.

5:20 pm —

around 5:20 i started to notice the dull cramps began to ramp up a little, they still didn’t feel like contractions, but more like true, first day of your period type cramps. i also noticed a few completely pain free braxton hicks. and while achey hips are common at this point in pregnancy, i noticed mine aching a little more than usual.

at this point… i was starting to get suspicious that we might actually get to meet him this week instead of next. i still had no inclination that it would be soon, however, since many moms report similar feelings for days if not weeks before labor truly arrives.

by 5:40, my braxton hicks started ramping up and gaining some intensity. looking back now, these might have been real contractions, but in the moment i wasn’t convinced (dalton, however, was suspicious)

6:00 pm —

dalton let me know he was about to head home from work, i told him not to get his hopes up, but that he may want to bring home his work laptop. just in case. i was starting to get a little suspicious that things may ramp up later that night or, more likely, the next day sometime.

i figured i should probably go ahead and make that dinner my parents brought over, just in case, but instead decided to turn on a meditation before dalton got home. dinner could wait 20 minutes.

i finished around 6:20 and had a small snack while i made a video chatting about my “braxton hicks” - i had to pause in the middle to ride out a wave. i had intentions of “vlogging” throughout the experience so i’d have it to look back on one day. but this was one of only 2 videos i made…. soon things would be too intense. i never did make that dinner.

watching this video back, it’s comical that I was still in such denial.

footnote: i really never did make that dinner... since we lost power for a week at 4 days postpartum and it spoiled. a story for another time.

6:30 pm —

dalton got home shortly after and we went about our evening, still naively assuming it would be a pretty ordinary night. i think dalton’s comforting presence allowed my body to relax and surrender to the waves, because things began to move along quite quickly after he got home. by 7, he started to notice i was really going inward during each of these “braxton hicks” (as i was still calling them this at this point) and noticed that i was no longer talking through them.

i texted my mom and sister that i thought i might be having contractions, but... again, not to get their hopes up. i still hadn’t felt it was serious enough to text my doula or midwife yet. but over the next hour, things progressed rapidly.

by 7:45 i was finally starting to believe these might actually be real contractions and not just braxton hicks, and at 8 i decided to text my midwife and let her know i thought i might be experiencing some very early contractions

8:00 pm —

i also let my doula know to be on alert that things could be happening, but i didn’t feel i needed her to come over just yet.

from most birth stories i read, this was just the beginning of a very long journey. i assumed i was in very early labor (since i had just accepted that i may actually be having contractions) and that i was many many hours if not days away from meeting my son, especially since i was a first time mom. so mentally i was prepared to buckle in and ride through the waves for a while before calling on the help of my doula, and even longer before heading in to the birth center.

my midwife suggested I rest, and work through the miles circuit as i am able. but by 8:30 things were getting intense. each contraction fully stopped me in my tracks. i started timing them with an app, they were ranging anywhere from 3-5 minutes apart, and lasting 30 seconds to a minute each. they continued on this pattern with heightening intensity for the next hour.

8:30 pm —

during this time i don’t remember the order of events very clearly, i do remember getting very hot at some points and shedding most of my clothes, then i would get really cold and wrap up in a fluffy robe as i shivered. i also remember throwing up a few times at some point from the intensity, and remember thinking about a labor fact i had learned in a birth class, that “throwing up meant baby was near”. it was that moment that i finally accepted i was in labor, it was really happening.

9:30 pm —

by 9:30 my contractions were nearly all consistently 3 minutes apart and lasting a minute each. if you’ve given birth before or know much about labor, you know this is the magic number to look for. this was definitely active labor. by this point, dalton had taken over tracking the contractions and texting out any updates - i couldn’t be on my phone anymore. he sent a screenshot of my contraction timer to the midwife, she said it may be a good time for a progress check if i felt like it, but i didn’t.

9:45 pm —

at 9:45 my parents asked if they should come get pippa, according to the time stamps of the texts from that evening, i managed to reply between contractions that i still didn’t think they needed to come yet, i probably still had a while to go. but by 9:55… dalton went ahead and asked them to head this way.

it was around this time that i began to question if i could even do this. the contractions were intense. as much as i had mentally and physically prepared, i was questioning myself and my strength. the hardest part for me was not knowing how long this could go. i thought to myself that if i still had 12 hours left, i wouldn’t make it. this made me feel weak, i wasn’t even at the birth center yet and was already letting the thoughts creep in of wanting to give up my dream birth just for an epidural?! (disclaimer: having or wanting an epidural does NOT make you weak - i felt weak because i was already mentally wavering, it felt so soon into labor. i knew there would be moments of this, but i thought it would come much later than just 2 hours in! if i was already questioning now… i feared there was no way i would get my dream out of hospital birth)

fear began to sink in.

10:15 pm —

my parents arrived to get pippa, but i didn’t want them to come in. i needed to be alone. each contraction was completely stopping me in my tracks and all encompassing. i had to pause wherever i was when one started and completely go within. i couldn’t move through them or i would get extremely nauseous and the pain became too intense. dalton brought pippa out to my parents and they prayed for me at the door. i was moaning through each contraction at this point, and i remember being acutely aware that they were outside and could possibly hear me. i was too prideful and brave to want them to hear me in this state.

while dalton was in the hall with my parents, he updated them on how i was doing, my dad started to worry since i seemed to be in no rush to head in to the birth center despite my contractions being in range to do so. i later learned that he was telling dalton to google what to do in case the baby came before we got there - so needless to say, dalton came back in a little frazzled and suggested we start preparing to head out. i wasn’t totally sold on the idea… but picked up on the slight panic in his voice. i decided to get dressed and let dalton start loading the car.

a little back story to frame my state of mind at this point: the midwives encourage you to labor at home for a little while, since early labor can take many hours or even days for first time moms - they won’t “admit you” to the birth center if you aren’t in active labor yet. i knew that i could go in at any time to check my progress, but if i hadn’t progressed much they may send me back home to continue laboring for a while. i did NOT want to get in the car and drive all the way there in labor, only to be sent back home and have to do it all over again later. dalton had texted with our midwife earlier about my fears, she replied “she will know when the time is right” (she didn’t know just how stubborn i can be)

but reluctantly... i finally agreed to head that way. i remember thinking to myself that if i wasn’t far enough along to admit, i would just go to st francis and give up on my dream birth center birth. if THIS wasn’t the real deal… there’s no way i could handle the real thing.

it took a while to get dressed and get to the car, as i mentioned before - i had to pause what i was doing during each contraction, and i wasn’t moving very quickly in between them. i slowly got dressed over the course of a few contractions and made my way to the car.

10:45 pm —

even just getting out to the car felt like a feat, i had to time it all perfectly. i waited inside by the door for one contraction to end, hoping i could make it to the car before another one began. but as i hobbled down the apartment building hall i had to pause to ride out another, then had one more in the parking lot before finally making it to the car. by 10:45 we were finally on our way. i texted our doula to meet us there.

on the ride there my contractions seemed to dampen slightly, a blessing. i somehow only had 2 on the ride over, which was around a 10 minute drive. at this point… we still hadn’t decided on finley’s middle name. i left dalton in charge of this task and he hadn’t yet made the final call. on the drive, we talked about it between contractions.

we landed on finley lewis.

11:00 pm —

when we arrived we met regina, our midwife, in the exam room to check my progress. i had to pause for a few contractions as i walked from the entrance to the room. i was getting very anxious at this point. was this really it? what if i hadn’t progressed any? what if i still had many hours or days of this ahead? i made it to the room where she checked my cervix for progress… she announced that i was 8 cm dilated and 100% effaced, and likely already in transition. i cried. i could do this. she said we were going to meet our baby soon.

we went to the birthing suite where i worked through a few more contractions as they filled the large tub with water. i had a renewed sense of confidence, knowing i would meet my finley so soon.

the water sounded soothing. i wasn’t set on having a water birth, i figured i would just intuitively go with wherever felt right in the moment. but once i entered the water, i never left until a few hours later... with my son in my arms.

11:45 pm —

the water was just as soothing as they say. everything felt more manageable at this point, still intense, but manageable. or maybe it was just the newfound confidence from knowing my progress.

i remember telling everyone in the room that i wanted to at least make it to midnight so his birthday wouldn’t be on the 13th, it just seems like an unlucky number (i’m not a big enough swiftie to be into that quite yet). everyone celebrated with me when we made it passed midnight.

i had prepared so much for labor, we brought snacks, honey sticks, electrolytes. i had NINE different playlists (so i’d have options depending on my mood, of course) meditations, hypnobirthing tracks, a laminated sheet of labor positions… naturally, i used none of it. instead of music or meditations, my doula just turned on rainfall white noise. it was so soothing to me that i left it going for the entire night and even into the next day.

the next 3 hours became kind of a blur again. i remember it all vividly, but time wasn’t exactly real anymore. the individual contractions felt long and slow, but these few hours felt very fast. after a short while in the tub, my body started pushing. he was moving down. i felt close to the end.

some time after that, it felt like i was pushing through the same area over and over again. like i was repeating the motions and not moving forward as quickly as i would have liked. regina offered to break my waters manually (they hadn’t broken on their own yet) she said this might speed things up so i agreed, and things definitely picked up.

at this point, i was LOUDLY vocalizing through each contraction. i envisioned myself quietly breathing through each wave like you see in so many home birth videos on instagram, but i was not quiet, i was breathing through them and keeping my tones deep the best i could, but they were loud. i sounded much more like a dramatic movie scene than a peaceful IG birth. i vaguely remember another mom may have came into the center to begin their birth journey and thinking “oh that poor thing if she has to hear me right now”. from what i could tell, i sounded absolutely feral.

i think he would have arrived even faster, but i realize now that i was holding onto some fears. fears of becoming a mother, fears to let go of my old self, fears that i wasn’t ready. did i even want to do this? it’s wild how interconnected the mind and body are in this experience. somewhere deep inside i was anxious about what was to come, not so much about birth, but about this new life i was entering into. mentally, i was holding onto the life i was meant to leave behind, so my body was physically not fully letting go. i think if i would have worked through that beforehand, things would have cascaded even faster.

at some point, i remember faintly hearing thunder roll by outside. i asked the room and they told me it was, but not to worry. i wasn’t worried, i had actually pictured it raining during my birth. something about it felt so cozy and comfortable, peaceful.

2:40 am —

he had finally really descended. i could feel that we were in the home stretch, and everyone in the rooms reaction confirmed it, the air changed. my attitude changed, i had a determination to get this thing finished. i was tired of contractions, i was ready to be done. he was almost here. regina had me shift positions slightly so that she could be in position to catch him (i was kind of facing the wall before, not very helpful for the birth workers). moving slightly took all of my might, but we were in position now.

2:50 am —

by 2:50 am he was crowning. ah, the good ole ring of fire. i strangely did not have an appropriate level of fear about this part, i told myself by this point… you’ll be so high on hormones you won’t care. but oof let me tell you that part is another level of intensity… truly intense isn’t even a good word for this. it just effing hurts.

2:56 am —

in the birth classes, they teach you to breathe baby down during this part, allowing everything to slowly stretch to minimize tearing. over the next few contractions I pushed, but with some control. at 2:56, his head emerged. i instinctively jerked upwards from the shock and pain, nearly lifting my pelvis (and his head) out of the water. something we didn’t want, since the air on his face would trigger him to begin breathing. but regina moved quick to keep me calm and in the water. i thought the hardest part was over, but waiting for that next contraction was definitely the most grueling moment of the entire experience.

i thought i would be the type to want to see everything happening but in the moment i did not. it was too much. but while waiting for the next contraction… out of the corner of my eye i glanced down and saw that he was almost here. it thoroughly freaked me out.

but it was also incredible. i think this was the moment i really truly realized i was doing this, i was having a baby. the responsibility, the massive life shift, the deep deep love i knew was coming. all of it washed over me. i was shook.

2:57 am —

after i realized i was almost done, i was really mentally done. i remember thinking to myself that the next contraction would be my last. it was time to get this baby earthside.

this whole part is strange, because it’s not like the movies. you have to wait for the next contraction to push again. up until this point, the time between contractions had been moments of restfulness, but this break was filled with fire and intensity. it was so uncomfortable as I waited for the next wave to come. i have a video where regina asked if a contraction was starting yet, i whined “ugh no i want one though!” i was so ready to be done.

2:58 am —

finally, the next contraction came. i welcomed this one, it was time to finish. i gave this contraction everything i had, pushing with all of my strength to move him all the way out. there was no more “letting it stretch”, i was determinedfor this to be my last contraction. after the contraction hit it’s peak i could feel the wave slowing, but i didn’t. i just pushed harder, a last ditch effort. the contraction started to fizzle out.. but i gave it every ounce of strength i had left.

2:59 am —

with that final push.. he arrived.

we did it, he was earthside. born into the water. the midwife lifted him from the water to place him in my arms. i don’t remember much else other than the insane flood of hormones. the instant need to protect and love was all consuming. as soon as he emerged, before he was even lifted from the water, the first thing I instinctively said was “give him to me! give him to me!”. i didn’t even realize it was coming out of me, i only remember it from looking back on the video my doula took.

immediate skin to skin is standard practice in this setting, but the instinctive NEED to have him as close as possible was so instantaneous. the midwife and assistant brought him to my chest and my world shifted.

i often hear “it’s an out of body experience” but for me it was the opposite. the whole thing was very within. i’ve never felt so within myself, so in the present. nothing else existed, not even time. it was me, and it was him. our dna still intertwined through the cord tethering us together.. our most primitive natural physiology taking over as our bodies spent their last moments as one.

once he arrived on my chest, i was brought back to the present in a new way. more aware of my surroundings. i turned to dalton and said “this is finley. come meet him!” of course he was right there, he had been the whole time. already absolutely entranced by him. bewildered by the miracle of life he’d just witnessed. he later told me he felt such a rush of oxytocin himself that his arms went completely numb and that it was the craziest rush of hormones he’d ever felt. it was just us three in this moment, i barely noticed the midwife, assistant, and doula doing their thing and taking care of us behind the scenes. our son was here, that was all that mattered. all that existed.

our first moments

they handed him to me and everything in the background melted away, i got to look into his sweet face. i just couldn’t believe it, it was real. a baby, a whole entire BABY on my chest! until this moment, i had been so wrapped up in pregnancy and labor and birth. i obviously knew a baby was coming, but the reality of it all hadn’t hit me until this very moment. i was just staring at him, mouth agape. it all felt so natural, him being there in my arms.

i fell in love in a very primitive way. we’ve bonded over time and since then my love has grown deeper as i’ve learned who he is and he i, but that first love is so instinctual and special. it felt like... i don’t know you yet, but yet you’re suddenly all that matters.

i was able to snuggle him for a while as we waited for the cord to finish pulsing. they took care of things in the background, like checking our vitals, draining the water, etc. regina announced his birth time was 2:59 am, i remember joking that it was so annoying that he couldn’t have waited 1 more minute to make it an even 3 am - dalton says it was wild how i went from such an extreme, primitive state during pushing to cracking jokes a few minutes later.

3:16 am —

the cord stopped pulsing so it was time to clamp and cut it, dalton did the honors. the last thing physically connecting us. then it was time to birth the placenta, and for dalton and finley to have their moment. dalton took finley to do skin to skin in a chair nearby. i’m so grateful my doula took photos of this moment, because i was busy being taken care of in the tub.

finley was so peaceful on daltons chest. held and comforted by his warmth and loving presence, he gently cooed a time or two. meanwhile in the tub, regina helped me with the placenta (a very weird sensation, but a relative piece of cake after everything else) then they helped me dry off and move to the bed.

i laid on the bed with fin on my chest as regina stitched me up, dalton was next to us switching between holding my hand and finleys. i’m not sure what degree tear i had, but enough to warrant quite a few stitches, probably due to my stubbornness.

as unpleasant as the stitches were, i still look back on this moment fondly. our golden hour. the fact that we actually just had a baby had finally really set in, and i got to lay there, holding my sweet boy skin to skin next to the first love of my life, chatting with amazement about all of his perfect little details. looking him over in awe. he began doing the rooting reflex, crawling up my chest trying to find milk, which was so cool to witness.

as we talked, i asked dalton if he told our people yet. i was so excited to tell all of our closest friends and family! I couldn’t wait to know what they said! i’m and i knew they’d be worrying. of course... most of them were asleep, aside from our mom’s who probably didn’t sleep a wink that night.

we also talked about his name, on the way there we had decided finley lewis sounded good. but immediately after seeing him, one of my first thoughts was that he should take dalton’s fathers name.

i mentioned to dalton that i was thinking about finley everett, and learned he had been thinking the exact same thing. he said the moment he saw him, he saw a glimmer of everett in his eyes. i asked around the room for reassurance that it sounded like a good name, to make sure i wasn’t just hormonal and doing it on emotions. they weren’t much help, they kept saying “it’s up to you!”, not wanting to influence my decision too much. but after much begging, they finally obliged me and told me they thought it was a fantastic name.

finley everett it was! she finished up the stitches and they helped me move into a more comfortable position. finley pooped on me, the first of many. then they helped me to help him latch, he did so well. i had been really nervous about this for some reason, but feeding him that first time felt so special and natural. he fed off and on for around an hour, when he finished he unlatched and fell asleep in my arms, another first of many.

it was 6 am now, the sun was starting to pour in the room. i’m normally not a morning person, but that morning i was. something about the sun slowly rising and drenching the room as i held my hours old sleeping son was so magical. it was the most beautiful moment, the air had a sparkle to it. pure bliss.

after a while, she came back in to check all of his stats and help us prepare to go home. they weighed and measured him, he was a surprising 8 lbs 2 oz and 20.5 inches long! and just like that, a mere 8 hours after arriving the night before… it was time to go home!

the drive was terrifying. dalton drove so slow and careful, i sat in the back with my fingers on finley’s belly the entire drive to ensure he was breathing. it was so surreal seeing other cars out and about just heading to work, as if it was just some normal day.

when we got back to our apartment complex, someone was heading off to work and held the door open for us as dalton walked in with our tiny 5 hour old baby, me waddling behind. it was so jarring that people could just be going about their day as if the entire world didn’t just shift on its axis? as if it was just some normal wednesday morning?!

we got inside around 8:30 am and dalton helped me make my way into bed, it took all of the energy i had just to get from the car to there. but once i was safe in the comfort of my bed, holding my fresh tiny baby, it was the best feeling in the world.

finley everett graham was home

🖤

My birth team / resources:

birth center:

breathe birth & wellness | tulsa, ok

lactation support:

teapot lactation | tulsa + virtual

birth education:

pregnancy, birth, & beyond course | by motherland birth co.

childbirth class at breathe birth & wellness | open to any expecting families, not just breathe patients

preconception:

happy wholesome hormones | by motherland birth co.

mental preparation:

expectful app

postpartum:

read my full postpartum roundup here